When my Mum was about 15 she had a Harley and rode on her own bike with a bunch of guys because she was her own woman and wouldn't be caught dead on the back of some guy's bike if she could be riding on her own. I always knew she was the strongest woman ever in existence, I wasn't aware she was so crazy until I was about 18. Her and I were driving down to Vancouver one time in the summer and I guess she felt it was time that I was old enough to know all her fantastic secrets. She had her own Harley and her Dad loved it, her Mum hated it, so her Dad kept it in the basement for her. She didn't pay for the bike, she was pretty and one of her "guy friends" as she always called every single boyfriend her or I have ever had, gave to her. She dated a BC Lions football player when she was 15 just to piss off the popular cheerleader girls in her school and would wear his jacket just to rub it in. When she graduated she worked for an airline and traveled everywhere, partied with Bryan Adams and Elton John. She took me to meet Bryan at a signing when I was about 14 and it went completely over my head that they had a big conversation like they knew each other, because they did. She got high with Santana because he picked the gorgeous blonde in the audience to hang out with. And she was once at a party at her friend's house in San Francisco when none other than Steven Tyler walked through the door with a girl under each arm, wearing one of his flowing robes, and played poker in the kitchen all night. She never gave me any more details about that one but its always been my favourite and now I know why she loved all those artists as much as she had since I was a kid, which has resulted in me loving them too.

This song says a lot. But now when I hear it, I feel it. Its one of those forget how to breathe kind of songs that makes you clutch your chest and go "You know, I really don't want to miss a thing" and now reminds me of nights laying in bed beside my mum because thats where I belonged, forcing myself to stay awake just to see her take one more amazing breath.

Life is pretty ridiculous. Yesterday morning I woke up hungover, looked up at the skylight in my bathroom and saw blue sky and a big bird poo right in the middle of the skylight, as far as I knew it was meant to be a beautiful weekend and I thought that it would be handy if it rained sometime later this week to wash it away. I just went into the bathroom and I could hear rain on the skylight. Today I drove myself to Starbucks for the first time and ahead of me in the lineup was a girl I had homeroom with five years ago that my latest ex had told about my Mum and how my family was poor and turned us into a charity, she pretended she didn't recognize me but we've always been the "hey how's it going" kind of acquaintances. Friday night was officially three months and I went out and drank myself silly, wishing my big brother Thor was there with me and ended up hanging out with some boys from Surrey most of the night when Thor was doing the same thing, in Surrey. Once I was waiting for my Mum last summer outside of her work when I came across a butterfly that was hurt or old and was laying on the pavement in the parking lot barely moving so I sat down on the curb about five feet away so I wouldn't scare it and just sat there until it died, I don't know why but I just couldn't leave it alone. I also don't know why I just remembered that. I think everyone should go legally download some Backseat Goodbye songs because the Sides are never wrong when it comes to music and Hey and 32 Ways to Make You Smile are amazing songs to start out with. This made me laugh so hard when I was driving to work last week.

yesterday on my first day back to work i helped a woman find some shoes to wear when she goes to Hawaii this week with her kids and husband because she's celebrating having cancer, going through treatment, and winning. i had to call over Jodie to help me ring her through since i can't remember anything anymore and Jodie joked that thats what happens when i take a four month vacation. the woman got all excited and asked me what i did on my very long vacation, i had to tell her my mum had cancer, she asked me how she was doing, and i had to tell her she didnt make it. this woman is okay and her family is taking the trip to Hawaii we were going to take as soon as my mum was feeling better. i'm glad they get to go together. i never thought living would be so hard.

my mum is gone and soon i will be too. i just booked a flight to seattle on sunday and am now booking another to winnipeg for the beginning of febuary. i have no idea what to do with myself and all i can think of to fix this is running away and ultimately ending up warm and safe in someone's bed for at least a few weeks. it was so awful when she left, if i had a heart left i swear the pain it would feel would completely end me.

four times a day we take pills, three of those times its these pills we've been told are going in to kill the awfulness so we visualize it while taking them and it really helps to make space-battle-like-zapping noises. mine sound kind of like pppzzzeeeeewwww and hers sound like psh psh psh. it makes me laugh so hard every time. tonight she told me her first appointment next week is monday at tuesday, she meant monday at noon. my mum has brain cancer and its the most serious, terrifying thing i've ever witnessed but waking up beside her, staying home with her all day, and going to bed trying to force myself to stay awake every night just for a couple more minutes knowing she's there doesnt seem so scary since its with her and she's always been the sunshine in my heart.

Work, sleep, work, dance, work, sleep, dance, work. Does anyone know where I could find cheap floor length mirrors? cracks and chips dont bother me as long as they wont shatter and leave me with seven years of bad luck or the chicken pox.

Thursday started off with Disney sing-a-longs and JT break it down's on the road trip to what just may be the equivalent of heaven. We got to the hotel to find an entire wall of windows on the 25th floor in downtown Vancouver and it seemed like perfection even though at first I couldn't get within 4 feet of the windows. That night Lauren and I slept right up against the wall of windows and one of the windows actually opened right up, we were brave although I was horribly terrified that little Lauren could have slept crawled right out that window and fallen the 25 floors in the middle of the night. The next three days and two nights we watched competition after competition, did a tiny bit of Robson shopping and a good amount of Robson strolling, and all around had the time of our lives. I forgot how to breathe and my heart stopped constantly friday and saturday night and I swear to gosh I will never be the same again after this weekend.

I no longer hate Valentine's day and everyone who has to put up with my rants can thank Valentin Chmerkovskiy

( <3 )
If it gets increasingly harder to get a hold of me starting next week, I'll be in a dance studio with my big dreams.

Alright so I don't update, the only reason I got this thing is because Mackenzie yelled at me until I did it. So its only fitting that her update was pictures of her busting moves all over the place and I tell a story of my date last night. Lauren and I went for dinner and ate too much pasta and had to pee together after wards because that's what friends are for. Then after washing our hands we decided the music was sweet and broke it on down in the women's washroom at East Side Marios for about 5 minutes or more, i lost track of time after the first couple songs.

I swear I'll update more.